Women and Their Contradictions

Thursday, May 20, 2004
Many of the women I know are not happy with their love lives. I'm not saying ALL women but many. I believe one of the reasons that these women are unhappy is because women are full of contradictions when it comes to what they want in a man. Let me expound on this subject by giving examples of common things women say they want in a man and why they contradict each other. My point is NOT TO SAY THESE ARE MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE but only to point out that there is a very fine line. Its a tightrope act most men can't perform.

I want a man who is ambitious and successful but not a workaholic or married to his job
Unless you are born into wealth there is really only one way to be truly successful and great at what you do, work harder than the next guy. That isn't to say you can't be successful at what you do without working 100 hours but the higher you go up the food chain the harder you have to work. Women love doctors, lawyers, bankers, etc but hate the hours these guys put in and the passion they put into their jobs. How do you think these men got into the position they are? Do you think they breezed through med school? You knew what they were before you started dating them, what else do you expect?

I want a man takes care of his body but isn't in love with himself
Unless the guy is a pro-athlete very few men have reason to work out. Don't give me that crap that you do it to be healthy and feel better about yourself. You do not have to do lat pulldowns and bench presses to get a work out. You could do just as well playing a game of tennis or running a few miles. Men lift weights because they care how they look. It is almost completely superficial. I know, that's why I do it. Do I love myself, of course. Do I stare in the mirror all the time? No, but I do occasionally. How else am I supposed to gauge my progress?

I want a real manly man who is kind and sensitive with me
Men who have high levels of Testosterone and are willing to get into a fight with a 6-5 300lbs bouncer rather than walk away are aggressive by nature. There is a genetic reason these men are alpha males. They don't take crap and they aren't "sensitive". Do you really think a man who can punch his wall through a door is going to want to watch "Bridges Over Madison Country"?

I want a man with confidence but who is not cocky
This is probably my favorite one. This one is almost a complete contradiction in the way that women mean it. Women want a man who is sure of himself but somehow doesn't know it or won't talk about it. But men who are confident must believe it themselves and have no shame in admitting it. That is not to say that I should go around and say, "Hi. Nice to meet you Joe. I went to an Ivy League School". But if someone asks me a question like, "You must be pretty smart to do a job like that" am I to reply, "No anyone could do my job"? Its simply not true and if I'm willing to say it I must either be A) Lying B) unsure of myself C) ashamed D) care so much what this person thinks that I just met that I feel a need to evade the truth. Well if it is B, C, or D then I'm not really so confident am I?

There are many many more but I think my point is clear. I often think women make themselves unhappy in their relationships because they want things which are impossible and when they don't get everything they wonder, "Why can't I just find Mr Right?".


Ryan said...

To me one of the most difficult pairs of requirments is that a guy should make her feel special in every way and be entirely honest. For many (not all) women it is important to hear that they are always beautiful, they are the best kisser, they are the most interesting to converse with. Particularly in comparison to the other women a guy has dated. Often the same women who would be terribly hurt to hear that they are the second best kisser or have the second prettiest eyes would be equally offended upon learning that a guy lied to make them feel good or concealed the truth. I've often been asked the "How does my new hair style look?" question and I try to be tactful while honest in answering it. But, I always end up either being accused of sugar coating it or facing a very upset girl who wanted "reassurance not criticism". Same goes for many other questions women often ask. Word it nicely and "you're just saying that." Speak your mind and "you're an insensitive clod." Women, if you ask for honesty be ready for it. If you're brazenly seeking a compliment don't expect accuracy or be ready for disappointment.

T said...

That's a good one Ryan. I hadn't really thought of that one but I have to agree with you, that one has to be one of the better contradictions

Amanda said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Amanda said...

Removed previous post due to annoying spelling errors. Here it is again: Ryan, T, I think you fail to realize that what many women want to know when they ask such questions is not a blunt yes or no answer or a numerical rating, but how you'll handle it, and how you'll react. The proper answer to a girlfriend's request for a comparison between her and previous girlfriends is the same one women use all the time when their current boyfriends get too nosy about past relationships - a polite but noncommittal response like: "There is no comparison". It might also help to then tell her a few things that you like about her. A man who politely refuses to engage in detailed (or negative) discussions of and comparisons to his ex girlfriend is a gentleman. A woman can trust such a man not to badmouth her should their relationship break-up. (Most women know that a man who spends a lot of time talking badly about his ex-girlfriend to her will end up talking badly about her to his next girlfriend.) A man who impolitely refuses to discuss or compare previous girlfriends, or a man who eagerly engages in such discussions is likely to be on the rebound, or have "issues". All this is not to say that I in any way endorse such a line of questioning - it's a sure route to an argument if ever there was one - I just think that many guys don't know that the way they respond to a tough question is often much more telling than the actual words they use to form the response.

T said...

Good point Amanda but it still doesn't remove the contradiction. I've always said that one of the main differences between Men and Women is that most men will tell you exactly what they want or how they feel. Women on the other hand are much more apt to tell you one thing but mean another. Your comment just further solidifys my point. A women when she ask for your honest opinion is not looking for your honest opinion. She is looking at how you respond. They are being contrary to what the really want. If a guy ask you "Do I look good in this shirt?" You can be sure that he wants a "Yes" or "No" answer. Women on the other hand might be looking for 10 different things. Its all very confusing.

Ryan said...

Amanda, I have to disagree with you there. I have, at various points, tried the non-commital or evasive answers and they tend to land me in even hotter water. Which is fine, because I don't believe a relationship can be based on that sort of communication. In fact, it really disturbs me that any woman could ask as question for which the best response is dodging the question, tactfully or otherwise. And the sweet, gimmicky answers like "there is no comparison" are just flattery and are essentially the same as sugar coating or lying. In my opinion, most women (NOT all) are either looking for truth and bound to be disappointed sometimes or seeking flattery which is not a healthy habbit for a relationship. And I don't like questions that are asked to "test" a guy either. If you want to know whether he cherishes and values you his actions should be the answer, not the wit or charm in his response. What I want is a woman who is looking for truth, but wont feel let down or unsupported or unloved on occasions when the answer is less than desirable.

Amanda said...

Women usually question each other directly, and answer directly, too. Unfortunately, the questions to which women most want direct answers are exactly the ones that men get nervous about and try to dodge. If men answered direct questions about their feelings and their past relationships fully and honestly (rather than panicking and avoiding) they would get a lot fewer indirect questions about exes, haircuts and pants that may or may not make one's butt look big.

Kat said...

ok let's do male contradictions.

1. i want a girl who will sleep with me after a few dates but i won't marry one who "sleeps around."
2. i want a girl who looks "hot" with her skimpy clothes but i don't want her to look so hot that she will find someone else instead of me.
3. i want a girl who always looks perfect but i don't want to wait for her to get ready and i don't want to pay for all of her spa treatments and plastic surgery.
4. i want a girl who won't get jealous when i sleep with other women but i don't want her sleeping with other men.


T said...

The purpose of this past post was not to imply that men do not have contradictions (like I want a skinny girl with big breast). I was merely trying to ponit out that many women have unsatisfactory love lifes and that often it is because of their own actions and desires. I would say that you will find many less men who are unhappy with their love life. That is not to say they don't exist, there are just either less of them or they are less willing to talk about it.

Dale said...

To Amanda: More often than not, the honesty and truths that women seek from men are not the ones they are hoping for. Most men that are honest with themselves have no trouble expressing their true feelings, yet continue to hide them because of feared backlash. To Kat: A women whose sleeps with a guy after a few dates is not a slut, if sh oly has several dates a year, not a month. Any man insisting you look perfect all the time has his own imgage issues to deal with. On fidelity, a person that cheats will always cheat, get rid of them.

dave hoover said...

Whoever dumped who i bet he still had issues right? Did you really give him that bad of an experience?

dave hoover said...

Whoever dumped who i bet he still had issues right? Did you really give him that bad of an experience?